MY DECEMBER BABY .

FINALLY , I'M UPDATING UPDATING! lol. yea spm just over, even though chinese paper is still hanging , think i can handle it.

wait a minute, its DECEMBER. time flies, i mean it does fly! its been a month, recalling the first day and the first paper for spm, wooopppsss, we've came to such a long way don't we. HAHA.

Anyway, straight to the gist of the blog. MY DECEMBER BABY !!! - TAN ZI NING
her birthday is coming soon, yea i mean real soon. 17.12. and sadly, i won't be around to be there for her. i wish i could stay for the sake of my best fren. cuz I've been missing her birthday for years, this year is not exempted. :((

So, I've decided to throw a small bash to this December baby,lol . cracking my head to do something meaningful and unforgettable since its the last year for us to gather around. Oh yea, so BBQ for the sake of u, at my house. hope others can make it. shh, i was planning to bake cupcakes, even though its the first time of baking, and i know she will love it. its worth it though, right ??

Hope i can make it cuz I've been busy taking driving lessons and buying stuff before leaving. Ill try my best for you & I , the perfect match of 10 years besties! LOL . I LOVE U ALWAYS.

17/12/1992. THAT'S U, DECEMBER BABY ,THE DEAREST. :)

111009.

• 
  
  This will be the longest post for the day.
  
  Today will be the end of my all along sadness. I am going to tell myself, everything is about to come to an end. And here is it, 111009 is the day.

I've decided, what should i do. I know all along there is only one solution for me to take-to forget and to move on. But I'm not doing it, instead, i am trying to convince myself that everything will change as long i do something. After what I've seen and heard, i think i should really take this move, make this decision.

*To someone I loved.

I understand that, I am not an expert in love thingy. I won't neither say you are. We both learned from the mistakes we've made, and make it better. For now, I learned.

I loved you, and i remember ur forever & always. But everytime i will just let u down, gave u sadness, made u tears instead tears of joy, the ego underneath was strong enough, strong enough to let u sweep ur broken pieces of heart on the floor. They were uncountable, how much i have hurt u. I said something hurtful, like fuck,asshole,bitch to u, and i wanted to say, I mean nothing for those words. swear. i'm sorry. everynight i thought about u, i thought bout the sweet memories u gave to me, but not from me..

everynight i would asked and questioned myself, how many chances have u wasted? how stupid can u be?

i figured every possibilities, this and that, to make up and grab back the chances , and i will prayed for ur forgiveness, being hardneck-ed not listening to the others to forget u, checking up what u up to, opening ur fb on and off , seeing ur pics again and again, hugging the soft toy u gave and cried every night, which on the other side of u already stop doing these silly thing, meantime the anger on me from u is growing.

i wanted to pace back of what i have done to hurt u, just they won't changed any ending. i believed in happy ending and love story, but not in us ..

i never gave u any gifts or presents, in turn u gave tons of them. I made u hate me for now, but i can't do anything to stop that cause its too late. i made u numb, I'm sorry.

I've been scolding u for so many times and u still endured my killing attitude, but i didn't learn to appreciate,I'm sorry.

I've been wasting every money that shouldn't be wasted by u, and i made u suffer from hunger and thirst.. i am sorry .. this was what i cannot let myself off ..

i hurt u, im sorry ..

u came and u go, and i lost u by now.

Everything was just too late, cause I've killed ur heart tremendously, which i can't do anything to heal the wounds. I'm sorry, and i know despite how many times i say sorry, it won't heal right? ..

I've been thinking for the whole night,and i decided to put down all these things. For the best of u and me. I knew u've already did that, it was just me who left myself hanging over, but it was ok I'm not blaming u as that is my decision to make, Don't blame anyone too. i cry for u, cry for everything i made,done while I'm recalling to post this,but tears will eventually dry up..

I will always remember, u were the one i hurt the most, the one i regretted the most, the one i would love to spend my time with and, the one i loved the most. for the sake of love, i will give up, that is the way of my love to u ..

Last but not least, sorry and sorry.

we will still be friends right, i hope to seriously.

Thanks to my friends and family that have been holding me when i was falling apart,esp waiyee. thanks for what u've told me today. loves:

事实往往让人心碎，

但却往往让人清醒，

当你接受事实后，你已经没当初那么心疼。

当你选择释怀时，你会发现熬过的疼痛已过了，

当初的心疼不是别人给你的，只是自己想不通。

所以答应自己要快乐，也要谢谢他让你长大了。

慢慢的，你会发现自己已放下一直以来放不下的，

曾经拥有也未尝不是一件好事，至少它俄的出现就是为了让自己学会珍惜。

所以，你要证明自己长大了，他的出现没白费，或许将来的日子他或其他看不见，但没关系，

也别认为证明给他看，让他回来，

自己知道就好，那就够了..

人要向前走，时间仍然一直流，

有的挫折还很多，有的泪水更多，伤害的更深更远，

抹了眼泪站起来，来面对将有的人身经验.

this will be the last time to cry, so cry everything out.

stop seeing things related,blog and checking on what he is up to. u have to move on, don't let urself hanging there , really ..

san , after today, u really have to stand up and wipe off all the tears u have shed which were never worthless, cause they made u grow and learn something..

remember, what was fated it is fated.

After crying, u have to stop being little girl tomorrow.

Stand up and be stronger, tomorrow will be the starting of ur new life..

look around, they are so many hands waving at u, they are ur friends and family. Don't make them cry because of u, stop being selfish..

san,grow and stop crying, u can do it, im waiting for a brand new you..

VERY MUCH APPRECIATED PEOPLE.

A big thank you to my sister who scolded me for so many times, to my brother who always be by my side even he is busy, to my mum & dad who always love me, to sou shirley the sweetest,to WAIYEE the one that made me cry for the last time, to memebers of sulphur 8 that let me learn the value of friendship, yeevoon who has been supporting me all along, to carmen my forever good sister and listener, to khai lai,aaron, py & dav that gave me fun to forget everything , KC for giving good advices and the others. You guys never leave me for once, thanks for everything. ILY. hearts.

end with s.

Birthday surprises.

I got 2 birthday surprises in a row.

Thanks to my lovely sister, she is the planner. thanks for giving me such memorable surprises.

Love u to death.

I got so much to blog especially pics. Will update soon. :)

Busy days.

Im giving myself a break. So here I am, the spot where i can throw everything on. :)

I am so busy these days, trying to work hard for the sake of studying and trying to do as much exercises as i can. After chem tuition today, I heard tht spm grades have changed. Instead of A1, A2 .. the list goes on, they have changed it to A+, A , A- ... . I think this is something good for me, cz it looks nicer in certs or anything. lol.

I am trying to work harder nowadays, piles of works to do. Never ending studies are killing me and i am not getting enough of slumber. I fell asleep in my toilet while brushing teeth this morning, imagine. xDD
I realised that, sometimes being busy is a good way of keeping urself away from thinking too much. I did it! haha. All i could think of is spm right now. Im gona score , score score and score !!

Finally,to someone i care and concern the most.

U are my best friend, always is. I might not know u for long but im glad to hv a friend lk u. Thnks for being by my side when i was going through the hardest time of my life. U helped me and lended me ur shoulder whenever i feel lk crying. I have to say, u are the greatest person i've ver met.
Do not think tht im as cheerful, happy and dumb as u thought. I am not. I know what is going on around me. But, Im sorry to say tht i am nt ready for anything or talk bout any stuff right now, cz u knw i just walked out from the darkness of my life. Please und i hv no intention to hurt u, u will always be my best friend ill always share my things with. You are always the best ! :)

Stories underneath.

After counting, i got not much time left till spm. Results for trials, please don't ask ppl, cz i dun wana rmb,so stop asking ok? Im gonna work hard.!
Meanwhile, what to study have been bugging me. I still can't decide what to take after graduating. I was thinking business but everyone wa lk underestimating me. They feel that i wont be able to stay long in this field. Cz upon my looks, they will take advantages on me more thn i do to them. -.- Thank you for informing anyway. I don't feel lk takng science subjects as im a lil fed up with them right now. I might have the brain to take them, but i've got no interest. Urgh i need some time for these.


I was thinking to further studies oversea suddenly. I would hv say no once dad ask. But i didnt reject or oppose for nw, cz i changed my mind and wanted to leave this place right away. If u were to ask me at the beginning of the year, i will gv u an aswer full of confidence tht i dont wana leave my hometown. For nw, I will surely say yes! I don'y knw, i just wanted to leave this place right nw and give myself a break maybe?
So i am searching for oversea courses, but there arent much to choose, common one-aussie. Awww look further. First thing first, WORK HARD AND GET GOOD RESULTS. tht is the most important thing tht motivates me nowadays. lol
I want to fly away badly. cz nothing much for me to stay over here despite those saddening stuff.
i may miss my friends but i wish to knw more.

i wana fly away badly. =/

..........

Anyway, py left today. Everything is sort of back to track. i miss hanging with ccbs. Time to be back in those days, those days of being alone. sobs. i wana talk to them for 24/7 through internet, phones but im gona say bye to lappie. Got to stop surfing net and be bookworm. IMY guys. Never ending smile gona stop disappear for sometime.

AND I WAS PLAYING THIS SONG, WHAT U SAY BY LOON for lk dont knw how many times. Makes me feel more down. -.- its nice though, gona put it in my blog soon.

This song gona be my lullaby for sometime.

P/S. ccbs, try to stop smoking. im serious. u knw who am i indicating.

Sweethearts in kl .

Kl for family dinner. Baby girl's 1 year old birthday. Cam whore alot :DDD.
Guess pictures tell it all. So yea. :)

cupcakes. They are nice and cute. xDD

THE MAN AND THE CHILD. -.-

I love u , would u be by my side and take me fly lk u?

Grandma IMY.

SWEETHEARTS IN KL.

its the latest trend of birthday cake, cupcakes! i love it and i wish someone could give me something lk this on my bday. lol anyway its okay, i dun feel lk celebrating either. I dont know, myabe too many stuffs happened this year. I've got the feeling, It is the worst year for me. Turning 17 might be fun as i get to take my license and drive, finishing high skul and etc. But im nt feeling any of it. =/ Btw i dont think anyone will remember too as they will be busy with college, exams, work or even dancing? haha aniway its ok, we get to celebrate every year,eventually it would be the same after all. ;D

Blessing .

Im learning to go church recently. Still rmb those days which i totally oppose the idea of going church, and yea im learning to make myself closer to god. Going church is a very new task for me,not to mention task but something very new as im nt a christian. Well, it started off with boredom and it was hard to bear, after some time i found out services gives me lessons , showing steps to work it out in life. Life is hard and it is harder b4, but im learning to accept the fact and sharing every problems. Everything changes, u won't knw so do i.

.........

emo day. Cause im not happy,seeing my dad overwhelmed by problems tht couldn't solve. He is having a hard time recently, hard time in dealing with people around him. He was upset with the attitudes, characters of people he used to treat them good. He was asking me, san did i do anything wrong in my life tht i hv to deal with these ppl? They are driving me nuts. Im so overwhelmed, nt knowing wht to do. I left no one tht is truly sincere to me and life would be nothing without 3 of u. My tears welled up in my eyes, but im trying to be strong in front of him cz i knw breaking down will only make things worst.

Papa, looking at ur face i hv to pretend and im sorry. Looking at ur face, i can do nothing cz to u im jz a 17 year old gal who is 24/7 happy living in a stress less life. U always say i got no stress even in my studies, the truth of my never ending smile isn't the way u thought it is.

I am sad, i can do nothing for u papa. The only thing i am capable to help u is, to pray hard for u every night. Hoping u to get the peace and deter urself from the problems u are facing. We will always be by ur side, no matter wht happen in our life, u are still the great successful papa in our eyes which will not change. That will be the blessing i'll always give to u.

P.S. I LOVE U TO THE END OF MY LIFE, PAPA.YOU ARE THE MAN.